Healthy Relationship Skills: How to be a Good Listener

Active and empathic listening skills are necessary for listening effectively. To listen is to be able to understand and validate the other party’s feelings and needs, which sets the foundation for great communication. Active and empathic listening is a skill set that sounds deceptively simple and easy but takes practice, awareness, and energy.

Active and empathic listening is different from sympathy. Our verbal and body language communicates to the speaker that we understand their perspective, which helps them feel less alone.

Giving someone our patient attention and allowing them to be the focus of the conversation is a powerful tool that tells the speaker, "You are heard, you are valid, you are loved".

Don't underestimate the power of active and empathic listening! It can comfort someone who comes to you with a problem or be used in everyday interactions, communicate that you are paying attention, that you understand, and you are providing a safe space for the speaker's emotions, and validate, affirm, and comfort the speaker. 

Here are some tips on how to start practising our listening skills.

Define expectations

First, clarify what the speaker needs. A simple question can help with this. "Do you want advice or a listening ear?" Most of the time, people just want to be heard. You can also set boundaries if you have limited energy, or suggest a different time. "I am exhausted right now but I want to be here for you. Can I call you tomorrow?" is a great way to care for both the speaker AND yourself.

Be present

Your time and attention are precious gifts that can often make someone feel less alone. Give the speaker your attention fully and communicate this with body language; turn down any music, don't multitask, put away your phone if in-person, face them fully, give them eye contact, or any other gesture that communicates attention in your culture. This tells them they are important to you and you are prioritising them.

Listen attentively

We hear, but do we listen? This means not letting your attention wander as they are talking. This can be difficult in a world of multiple distractions! For example, are you thinking of what to respond when they aren't even done talking? Focus on their message instead of rushing to respond! It's important not to interrupt. Learn to be comfortable with silence or the feelings of someone else, especially if they are struggling with difficult emotions or words. Knowing that they aren't also making someone else uncomfortable really helps with self-compassion. "Take the time you need, I'm here if/when you're ready." It's okay to sit with someone else in their pain, especially if they've stated they don't want you to problem-solve.

Use empathy statements

These are statements the listener says that rephrase the speaker's perspectives, and links their emotion to an event. Used right, it is a simple but extremely powerful tool that makes one feel heard and understood. It can almost feel like a burden has been lifted off of you! Think of the last time someone said something and you went, "YES! You totally get it." Some examples are: "It must have been so frustrating to hear that during this stressful time of your life!" "It sounds like you really loved her, and her absence has been difficult." Bonus points for phrasing it as a question, which allows the speaker to either correct you or delves a little more into what they're feeling. "Sounds like you're feeling quite helpless about this situation?"

Refrain from advice or judgement

Avoid advice, opinions, or sharing your stories unless solicited. This is a big one, and it's understandable. We don't like to see or feel someone else get hurt! However good our intentions are, rushing to problem solve can be problematic in itself. At best, unsolicited advice is seldom followed. At worst, it is received with resentment or the speaker feels your discomfort on top of theirs and now feels horrible. Advice or judgement when uncalled for only does the opposite: it distances people instead of connecting them. Unsolicited opinions also change the focus towards you, and it can shut down and discourage further conversation. Unsure of what to say? Say that! "I don't really know what to say, but I'm here for you however you need me." "I wish I knew how to make you feel better." "I don't have any good advice or solutions but I'm here to listen and be with you."

Reaffirm and validate

Vulnerability is scary, even with the people we trust and love. Practicing vulnerability is a brave act, and we should affirm that! We can do that by thanking the speaker for trusting you enough to share their thoughts with you. We can communicate our love and validation through words, touch, or body language, like a hug, a smile, whatever feels comfortable for both parties. Being vulnerable is extra terrifying for those who have had a history of being diminished, oppressed, gaslit, or invalidated, such as having experienced cruelty, trauma or abuse.

Recharge yourself

Active and empathic listening requires a lot of time and energy, as we have to step into someone else's shoes. It is just as important to care for yourself as you do others by observing your own state of body, mind, spirit, and soul, and recharge as necessary. Part of that includes knowing when and what you need to care for yourself, and how to communicate that to people around you. For example, in our previous post, tip 1 was about defining expectations, which includes expressing your own boundaries and needs around what you can provide. If someone is asking for emotional support and you don't feel up to it, you have to express that kindly but honestly. It really is true that we have to care for ourselves first, so that we can better take care of others.

Active and empathic listening is an underrated life skill, but can be difficult and takes a lot of practice. However, if we all practised more active and empathic listening, we might feel more affirmed and a lot less lonely. Try starting your practice with loved ones who make you feel safe so that you're motivated and encouraged as you learn. We may learn that validating the feelings of others, affirming their self-esteem, and communicating our love and respect for them makes us, the listener, feel just as good.

Having an opportunity to be seen, heard and understood is critical to our well-being. Here at Resting Tree, we are able to offer you a listening ear, as well as emotional support as you heal and grow. Find out more by contacting us at info@restingtree.ca or book your free consultation today