Are you in An Abusive Relationship? Here are 10 signs to look out for

Written by Sho Sho O

Abusive relationships rarely start out with blatantly severe acts of abuse. More often than not, abusive relationships begin with weird “Red Flags” that may at first appear to be acts of love. It is not uncommon for manipulative behaviours, words, and actions to be initially disguised with seemingly good intentions, but make no mistake. These red flags indicate dangerous behaviour is likely, and whenever these red flags appear, overt acts of dominance and control tend to follow soon after.

What is abuse?

Before going over some of the most common red flags of abuse, it is important to define what abuse is. Abuse is any corrupt, exploitive, or improper action that has a damaging or violating effect. Hence, an abuser is someone who uses abusive methods to undermine the safety, dignity or human rights of another person. Abuse can manifest in many ways, but typically abusive relationships involve one of (or a combination of) the primary forms of abuse: emotional abuse, psychological abuse, physical abuse, or sexual abuse. Sadly, abusive relationships are more common than you might think. It is estimated that “more than four in ten women and one-third of men” have experienced Intimate Partner Violence (IPV).

10 red flags of an abusive relationship

1. Idolization and Love-Bombing from day one. They appear to fall head-over-heels in love overnight and try to persuade you to make a serious commitment very quickly… a little too quickly. They shower you with compliments in the beginning, buy you loads of fancy presents, or call/text you non-stop. A healthy relationship starts and progresses at a steady pace. Being swept off your feet is a romantic fantasy for many, but if the other person is getting too serious too quickly, this is often a Red Flag.

2. Disrespecting boundaries or privacy. Your phone, their phone, your bank account, their bank account, your routine, their routine, etc. If you feel smothered or if the lines of where your realm of influence over your own life is beginning to become ambiguous, then this is an indication of abuse. Healthy relationships have a healthy respect for boundaries.

Learn more: Healthy Relationship Skills: How to Set Boundaries

3. Constantly requesting, demanding, or needing validation. Abusers have a superiority complex, and as a result, they have a constant desire to have their superiority validated. If they seem to be obsessed with comparisons, or if they are constantly asking you if you like them, enjoyed what they did, or are attracted to them, then this is cause for concern.

4. Extreme mood swings. If they go from zero to sixty with anything, this is not good. If they are happy one second and explosive the next, or if you have only just started dating and they’re already talking about having sex, moving in together, or getting married, this might be a Red Flag.

5. Intensive questioning after spending time apart. Moments of concern or checking in on the wellbeing of a partner when appropriate is normal, but if “just checking in” escalates to borderline harassment (IE: grilling you about where you go, everything you do, and who you saw whenever you were not with them), then this might be a Red Flag that they have a huge problem with control.

6. Refusing responsibility and consistently claim it is never their fault. Avoiding accountability by constantly blaming past relationships, past experiences, or stress as justification for poor behaviour is not what healthy people do.

7. Unrealistic demands / expectations. You feel at their mercy to “not disappoint them” , this creates a lot of stress and anxiety as you are always needing to meet their needs. If not, consequences would be dire and you might feel like you are in danger of them treating you poorly.

8. Excessive nitpicking and hyper-focus on imperfections. Constantly pointing out all of your flaws or putting you down to the point where you feel insecure and incompetent is abusive behaviour

9. Isolation. Abusive behaviour is escalatory in nature, and an abuser will take every opportunity to further exercise control over you by removing all sources of escape. The result is that you become isolated, and this allows them to better control you because this limits your chances of getting help. Isolation is a very common control attempt, and it begins with a micromanaging attitude towards your schedule and your relationships. If they do not like any of your friends or family members or insist that you “cut that person out of your life”, then this is not safe. Remember: it is much easier for them to dictate where you go, what you do, and who you see if you are isolated.

10. Physical intimidation or violence. Slapping, shoving, punching a wall, throwing something, reckless driving, etc., are all considered abusive forms of violence. Using threats, physical force or intimidating behaviour during an argument are red flags that should never be overlooked.

Are you experiencing abuse?

Knowing what to do and how to get help from an abusive relationship can save your life and peace of mind.

● If you are in danger, call 911.

● If you are currently experiencing red flags or any form of abuse, you can reach out to one of these Canadian crisis hotlines.

● For other national services providing support for relational abuse, explore these domestic violence resources.

If you are keen to learn more about red flags in abusive relationships or how to build healthy relationship skills with yourself and others, we are here to help. Discover how we can help and reach out anytime by contacting us today at info@restingtree.ca.